THE NANNY

What do you do? “um I have my masters in social work but I’m uh nannying because I just moved here and it’s the best way to pay my bills.” Emily (and anybody like her)- Please stop shaming yourself for raising children and teaching them to be good humans who love God, are grateful, thoughtful, kind, and understand the warmth of unconditional love.

This is a glimpse of the pep talk I give myself in the mirror after interactions that make me feel like I'm “selling myself short” or “wasting my degrees." I came to LA with the intention of nannying until I found a job in the social work field... but I was forgetting who I am. I’m not going to join a family/team and help raise their children until something “better” comes along. When I nanny I do it all the way. I started nannying when I was 16 for a family with 3 kids, 2 of whom had pretty severe special needs. Working for this family the summer after my junior year in high school both changed my life and saved it.

That particular summer was my hardest “growth spurt” up to that point. I was an emotional disaster- Kate, then two-and-a-half years old, became my comfort and joy immediately. She is non-verbal but we had the greatest conversations. She listened to me and I felt like she took the weight right off of my shoulders. I would hold her and cry because of my 15th breakup of the month and she would be giggling and laughing and putting her forehead to mine while hugging me back. There is no bad mood when you’re around Princess Kate. There is only smiles, glitter, and sass flying back and forth between us. She’ll always be one of my favorite people in the world. Watching her grow up and develop her bright personality has been such a gift. We’ve been through hospital trips, long term stays with intensive therapies, family vacations, diaper explosions, days of tanning by the pool together, days of screaming for dear life while trying to get into the water, spitting our food out all over feeding specialists, playing princesses, singing, long walks to clear our heads, everything- together.

Kate's mommy always says, “This is Emily, she’s like my little sister.” She’s always told me to break up with the losers, go explore, go do big things, “get out there," “you’re made for something big,” “you should be a social worker, they do what you do for our family!” She was the first one to say that to me. I googled “social worker” and everything that came up included many words that have always been a part of me: listener, helper, empath, counselor, advocate, empowering the youth, providing hope, providing direction, educator, etc. So I was all in. I found my next step.

Naturally I got competitive with my studies & social life throughout the next several years, because that’s what happens to a girl who barely got into college as a result of seeing more of the hallways than the classrooms in high school. A few of my teachers had scarred me with words like “you’re not the brightest tool in the shed. You’re not gonna go anywhere just because you have a pretty smile and pretty hair.” I maxed out at 47 detentions; most of them came in groups of 3 for “consistent talking." When people put that much self-doubt in your heart & your head you’re either going to believe them and sink into a pattern of defeat, or you’re going to get all "cocky" and fight for the big “F you, I did what you said I couldn’t.” I have always preferred the latter. I go for shock value when people try to kick me down or better yet, kick me while I’m down- I got my mama’s spirit. So I graduated after being Miss West Chester University and was accepted into the one year advanced standing masters program- 20 of us were accepted out of almost 600 applicants. And the day I got the call congratulating and accepting me into the program, I remembered what those teachers said and thought, "I did what you said I wouldn’t, and I got a 4.0 doing it.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to boast; those results are not necessarily due to intelligence, but rather from being stubborn as hell- to the point where I was obsessed with proving them wrong, being myself, and doing it "the way Emily would do it." I wonder if some of that wasn’t necessarily because I saw a long future for myself in the social work field, but rather because it was another way to achieve tangible self-assurance: turning the “I think I can” into the “I did it. So now I can do the next thing.” I never saw myself working a 9 to 5 desk job, nor did I necessarily see myself working at all..... I just couldn’t understand the idea of doing the same thing everyday or even a similar thing everyday. The idea of the “contracts” that my friends were aggressively pursuing sounded nauseating to me. I celebrated for them but was terrified of the idea for myself. Putting myself in a “box” hasn’t ever worked. [I’m not saying anyone with career contracts or who work 9-5 are “putting themselves into a box,” but for ME specifically, I did not see it working out.]

With almost every voice telling me that I needed to get a "real job" and stop living a "fantasy life" with dreams of never working, I decided to follow the rules and sign a "CONTRACT." I got a job with the health benefits, the paid vacation, the paid sick days, the Monday through Friday. I put my whole heart and soul into it for a year. Being a Foster Care Social Worker was amazing. I loved my kids, I loved advocating for them, I loved testifying on their behalf in court, I loved being the hug after a visit with their birth parents when they were devastated, confused, mad, hopeless, hopeful, whatever it was, I loved being first in line to provide love. I sang songs at the top of my lungs with my teens, I painted nails while they learned to trust me and open up, I bought us pizza during our “visits” on the tough days. Whatever could’ve made it a little lighter and a little brighter, I wanted to find it, fix it, heal it, anything, everything. My heart broke, my health was horrible, my weight was reflecting it, my moods were so up and down, I was on anxiety medication for panic attacks, I told myself every morning that if I can just make it until 5:00 without quitting it’ll be successful. This is the experience of a lot of social workers in foster care. However, some of them are made for it. Some of them can find that wall to protect themselves while getting the job done. I was born without that wall. My heart broke and I bought an impulsive ticket to LA to visit a friend. 6 months later I had quit my job, become a nanny for a wonderful family, and moved back in with my parents which allowed me to save for the move. When I told my mom, in the airport before my flight home, that I was moving to Los Angeles, even I didn’t believe myself. It felt so right but I didn’t understand why. I just knew I needed to go. When I got to LA I immediately clicked with a nanny agency. My roommate forced me to Google “nanny agencies” while I was freaking out about finding a job one day. That night I emailed Lindsay, a contact I found on the Facebook page of The Nanny League. I had no idea how vital my relationship with Lindsay would be. The next day after a Skype interview I had secured my working relationship with The Nanny League and received a huge gift in my friendship with Lindsay. She immediately called me “My Philly Girl” because she’s from the East Coast, too. She related to many of the parts of my story that I shared with her, or at least, she made me feel so understood and so heard that I knew she “got me.” Within a few days I was interviewing with my first family and started with them that following Monday. For 7 months they became my family. The 4 kiddos under the age of 5 that I was responsible for called me their “best friend.” The older two would often say “I love you to the moon and back 56 times.” We would pray together before bed and they’d ask me to do a “special prayer” outside of the traditional catholic prayers they had learned for bedtime and dinner that we would recite. They learned from me and I honored the fact that everything I said and did was “teaching them” in some way. I always wanted to make sure they valued the words that they said and that they felt valued in the words that I said. After those 7 months I had to look for something that was going to be more long term and included benefits. People innocently said things like, “Yeah, gotta get a real job at some point, right?," “Can’t nanny forever. You’re not meant to be JUST a nanny,“ or "What’s next? No more nannying I’m sure?” I had heard this negative stigma for nannies [or at least for me nannying] for so long that I assumed those questions only had one answer: "Of course, no more nannying.” I searched, and had been searching, for jobs in the social work field and every single available job felt like defeat. I just felt like I was so uninterested that I couldn’t bring myself to complete the application most nights (and these were not painfully long applications). I prayed and prayed about it and couldn’t quiet my own thoughts and opinions enough to hear His. So in desperation I reached back out to Lindsay. I said “Lindsay, I need a job. I know I said I didn’t want to nanny but I need to at least see what’s out there because at this point, I just need to pay my rent.” Basically I thought “I can’t wait for what I want because I’m running out of time and nothing is interesting to me.”

Then one night before worship team practice I sat in the sanctuary alone. The silence of that place when it’s empty is my favorite experience in the world. I can hear myself breathe, I can hear myself reminding me to breathe haha, I can hear my prayers.

In the stillness I began to think with intention of finding a reminder of my purpose. “What have I given you? What gifts do you have that come from me and can be poured out into the hearts and lives of my people?” "Well, God,…” I embarrassingly said out loud in the silent sanctuary, “You’ve made me a natural mother, You’ve made me a leader, a source of guidance with a bleeding heart for children, able to recognize the importance of raising them with a love that mirrors Yours.  I honor the responsibility of creating leaders to better the world and the importance of helping them find their God-Given gifts at a young age, while nurturing them and strengthening those gifts in preparation for their purpose." Then I realized, you're a nanny because it uses all of your gifts. Right now there is nothing that makes you happier than watching children grow, love, become themselves, learn how to manifest healthy friendships, build strong sibling bonds, etc. The joy of fulfilling my purpose comes from raising children and working in homes with people side by side on their journey. There’s a special intimacy that comes with the role of “nanny." You need to learn how to manage the home, understand the parents' expectations and their intended relationship with you; sometimes you’re the best friend, sometimes you’re “the help,” sometimes you’re the fixer, sometimes you’re the one hearing the vent session about life or helping them through anxiety.  So I asked myself, then, what are you looking for? The answer was: nothing. I was a happy nanny. I will always have my MSW and I will always have passions that match up perfectly to a career in social work. I will always love crisis intervention, therapy, mediation, advocacy etc. but it’s ok to not be in a place for that. It’s ok to simply want to be happy and purify your life like a Brita filter. LA is my Brita filter. When you take out all of the dirt (expectations), what are you left with? Faith, a stronger relationship with Jesus, children who you get to pray with, sing with, dance with, play with, and help grow into the amazing leaders they are going to be. I see God’s unbelievable magic in their faces everyday.

It’s ok to admit that your imagination isn’t “unrealistic” and that your dream of “living in la la land” might really be your reality one day. Have the type of faith that doesn’t even allow anybody to have the guts to tell you that your dreams are out of reach. They aren’t dreams, they’re plans. Don’t settle because people tell you “life's not like the movies” and “fairytales aren’t reality” because you know what- those feelings in your heart are there because God put them there. You know what to look for because you’ve always held it in your heart. Maybe it wont look like a fairytale to other people but to you, it will be the greatest fairytale ever told. Maybe it wont be like “the movies” but it’ll be the best damn movie YOU’ve ever seen. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with the idea of knowing how my story will play out. My motto has always been “life begins at the end of your comfort zone” and it rings more true now than ever before. Pastor Julian gave a sermon called “you had one job.” His focus was on the fact that our 1 job is to show people the love of Christ in the way that we live. When we meet Jesus he isn’t gonna ask about our crazy to do list, He is going to say, “Did people see me when they looked at you?”  Doesn’t that slow your heartbeat? Make you take a deep breath that actually feels like a full circle deep breath? If you remember your one job you will find it nearly impossible to notice your anxiety, to doubt your journey, to hold on to people who aren’t meant for you, to stay “stuck” in a place where you aren’t happy.

After calling Lindsay I had an interview again the next day. This time it was for new parents with one baby. I met with the mom at a café for my first interview. Her energy was amazing and the café she chose for our interview was directly across from the legendary “pink wall” on Melrose Ave. That pink wall is one of my favorite spots in LA simply because it’s “Soooo LA” that all day long there are people standing there  waiting to document that they are simply “in LA.” After our interview I wanted that damn job. I later met the dad, a hilarious comedian, and he reminded me of my dad. His view of the world and his expectations in the home and for his daughter mirrored my dad in so many ways. It’s since been confirmed that my dad thinks my boss is “hysterical. I’m mean really freakin funny.” So I wasn’t wrong about that one. A few days later I was offered the job- with... a CONTRACT. Except this contract didn’t terrify me; it excited me, provided me so much peace, security and certainty that this was exactly where I should be. I’ll be traveling the world with this family- So far the planned trips include Cabo, Miami, Vegas, NYC, and Australia. All of this to say that those “God dreams” and that unsettled feeling you have in your gut were put there by God. If you do what feels right between you and God in your heart then He will provide above and beyond your expectations. This job allows me to get more involved with my church life, write more, LIVE more than I had scheduled for myself while following the path of everyone’s more traditional expectations.

If God brought you to it, He’ll make a way for it. Just sit in the stillness, listen to Him. Take out the worldly standards, expectations, stigmas, blah blah blah and remember who YOU are. Remember what He gave you.

I’m excited to say that I’m a NANNY.  I’m a nanny for a beautiful baby girl and I’m a part of a team and family that makes me feel valued and keeps me laughing constantly. I don’t know how long I’ll be doing this but I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon. I raise babies and it is both an honor and a hell of a vacation.

Find your gifts. Find what you love to do. Find where you see your gifts being used the most.  And then do that and do it with everything you have. You’ll never work a day in your life. We need to stop calling “living” a vacation.

“What do you do?” “I live a good life. I love people like crazy. I laugh. I’m a daughter of The King. I’m a daughter to extraordinary parents. I’m a sister. I’m a best friend. I raise babies because God has called me to work closely with families in a special role. I’m a nanny.”