FROM NORTHEAST TO NORTH WEST

Moving across the country isn’t always as perfect and blissful as my Instagram feed portrays. I have several “sisters” in my life who are my very best friends- Bff A is due with my first niece in 3 weeks! Bff B gave birth to my nephew 4 months ago! Bff C is engaged and I’m her maid of honor! While Bff D will represent my little bro and parents who are my entire world and the core of who I am day in and day out. A through D are 3,000 miles from me with a 3 hour time difference always. 3 hours never seemed like a lot when I was looking forward to the move. I’m a morning person and my best friends and I usually catch up and love each other on our way to work in the morning. Not anymore. My “coffee on the way to work” is their crazy hectic lunch time. It seems like some weeks go by and time never works out.

My best friend, Missa, came out to LA for a week long vacation over Memorial Day. It was a vacation for both of us, I took off work & spent more money than I probably would’ve spent going to Cabo or moving to the Bahamas. *eye roll and selfie smack* . When Missa left it was the first time since I moved here that I wanted to go home…for good. I would’ve given anything in that moment to trip over a one way ticket and ship #WhitneyHoustonTheKitty home in a box later. Home is important. Our “people” mean more to us than we recognize on a daily basis. At the risk of this sounding like a romantic love story I’ll say I never realized how much I need Missa. You know, the people who know that at 25 I need more skin-to-skin than a premature infant. The people whose scents bring you to tears when it’s been half a year. The people who you can cry with and not have to explain why because they already know. The people who believe in you more than you believe in yourself. These people are your home, and you’re not home without them. I had to stay in Los Angeles while my home left. It was harder than moving out here in the first place. I’ll be honest, I haven’t really gotten past the longing yet either. I’ve been pretty homesick this past week and can’t seem to shake it off.

Last night I took some time to myself to just lay in silence without my phone and really pray and meditate about why I’m here and how I got here (LA).  I moved here because every single thing in me said that there was no other road to take. I felt like God was clearly saying, “Just go. Just trust me. I’ll tell you when you get there.” Then I found everything I was looking for in myself. I can honestly say that I’ve become the person I always was, but didn’t know how to be. I committed to myself to such a degree that I became myself full & without doubt. I got to see things I only knew existed because I had felt them in my heart before. Like nostalgia for places I hadn’t yet experienced. Every experience felt like coming home. So much has changed so quickly that I found myself wondering “is this it? Was this why God called me here? Did I get everything out of it that He wants me to? Can I go home now?” then I remembered if you find yourself asking “is this it?” the answer from God is always "No, there’s so much more." I forgot how big God’s dreams are for us. There’s no way this is it. He wasn’t going to give me all of my dreams come true before age 25 & all at once in 6 months.  The waiting, the valleys, are a part of it all. Patience and endurance make up faith. It can’t all be mountaintops. The glory comes after the growth, when the lesson has been learned and the blessing understood. Right now I’m in the “what happens next..” space. If I stop doubting and start being still in God’s love for me then that question doesn’t ever need to be asked. It unfolds in His perfect time and we never question when that is. I didn’t doubt LA. I didn’t hesitate to quit my job and ask my mom to drive across the country with me in the dead of winter. I knew the time was right and I jumped. Worry isn’t of God. Longing isn’t from Him. But Joy & Growth are. Becoming ourselves is being WITH GOD.

I’ve been really fascinated by time and growth lately. I’ve been pinching myself on the good days out here in LA thinking, “If only I knew, a few years ago,  this would be my life now..”  For example, when people first started asking me why I was moving to LA I was too nervous and underprepared to say “because I feel like God is telling me to” as the only real reason. So I’d keep it surface-y with a joke to brush off the responsibility of giving a real answer. The joke was always “I’m gonna find a Kardashian and be North West’s nanny.”

So this week, at gymnastics with the 3 year old who I nanny, I helped North West off the floor. Literally, this isn’t a fun fake story. Nori, (because she’s practically a consistent member of my life so now I’m gonna call her by the name her friends call her) anyway…Nori is in gymnastics class with my little one.  I was talking to her nanny and security guard (who is unbelievably attractive- ridiculously so) while Nori and my kid, her new friend, chatted it up about their skills on the beam. When Nori went to leave she hopped off the high top chair and tripped. I bent down to help her... so literally HELPING THE DAUGHTER OF YEEZUS WITH MY LOWLY TWO HANDS. By the grace of the real Jesus, I remained calm, cool, and collected, acting totally unphased to be in the presence of Khloe Kardashian’s niece. * grabs inhaler*

This is my God, the one who orchestrates this shit all the time. Of all the human beings in the world. My joke about moving here, my Nori, in the flesh in gymnastics class! That’s God laughing at me. I didn’t even realize it until I called my sister, Lex and told her. She said “God gave you f**king NORTH WEST. You literally told everyone you were gonna find her and be her nanny.” God’s dreams are WAY beyond this cloud of doubt & season of longing. The point is that it’s worth it. It’s worth it to endure the valleys and remember His promises. This too shall pass & I’ll still be here when it does. When the time is right I know God will bring me back to my family and sisters wherever and whenever that happens. But for now, He needs me here, in this valley — growing, enduring, and becoming.