I OWE HER AN APOLOGY

Story time- A few months ago I was once again back into a pretty scary low when it came to thoughts about my body/eating disorder behaviors. I heard a podcast by one of my heroes, Glennon Doyle, and she said that 50% of her thoughts all day are still about food or her body. And this made me cry because I realized wow, same, and that’s a lot of my time/brain space to be taken up by garbage. “I would be president if I got that space back!” I thought. “Who on earth would I be if I had 50% more of my brain to take back?” I processed with Max and as I was being totally honest I confessed that more like 75-80% of my thoughts all day were saturated with body hate. 

After spending pretty much all of last year developing a mental health routine that helped me heal truly all of my depression symptoms (this was an all out war and I feel victorious with the right medicine, regular therapy, and healthy living habits- Lexapro is proof that Jesus loves us.) I was left face to face with the final straw, my relationship with my body. I’ve gained substantial amount of weight through the journey of finding the right medicine for depression and simply battling it. I’ve praised God for the doctors/husband/friends who helped me through that time but have felt like the true victory will be when I look how I feel. Seeing the effect of it all take away my favorite clothes and confidence in photos, I was still feeling like a took an L. 

I chose to take this “quarantine” year as a time to focus on my relationship with my body. (which I originally thought was going to be 2 weeks just like the rest of us). This meant learning what she needs. Learning what she needs in order to not struggle so much with IBS. (Irritable bowl Syndrome). I thought maybe she (my body) is just a high-maintenance chick. Maybe she needs more attention than a typical body (aka more than the advice I had received that never seemed to help). It would makes sense that she needs a bit more tender love and care because honestly, all of me has traditionally needed a bit more. I have learned how to love myself well and how to have compassion for myself when it comes to mental and spiritual and emotional health. But I deeply lacked compassion for my physical health. 

Going through depression means youre experiencing trauma over and over and over again. I spent so much of my life in a pretty constant internal battle with anxiety and depression. I just thought everyone did and I mustve just been on the weaker side of things. I remember my first panic attack was in the bathroom in 1st grade because I pulled down my pants to go potty and realized that I still had my pajama shorts on under my school pants because mommy let me get dressed by myself and I mustve been too sleepy to notice. Bizzare? Yes. Clinical anxiety? Yes. Weight gain happens when your body is being told by the rest of the systems within that trauma is happening and so she needs to hold on to whatever food is entering because we might not get anymore of it. Also, in this trauma your body may be receiving an elevated level of cortisol which is a hormone that releases during stress and causes weight gain again as a response to trauma and an effort to protect you. I get so emotional when I think about that. My body was protecting me and I was giving it no love in return. I was in pain and I feel like my body was saying “it’s ok em, we got you. We’ll do our best.” And then I saw the weight piling on and I thought “my body has completely betrayed me. I dont even feel at home in this skin anymore. I hate my body completely.” It’s a reciprocal relationship depression and weight gain because one causes the other and the circle continues. All this rawness to tell you that I’m committing to a new chapter in life- the apologetics course. I am going to be living as though I am apologizing to my body for all the things ive done/said. I’m going to keep apologizing by loving it so hard even when it’s hard bc ive spent my life so mad at her. the more I show her I love her the more she will trust me the more she will love me back the more it will become habit for me to be only good to her. The more my friends daughters and my daughter will see that your body is worth being kind to. Even in the seasons when you feel like its betraying you- shes doing her best to protect you. She’s doing her best to love you. And whenever anyone is having a hard time even in the seasons of life where we’re just doing our best. The best thing you can do is love that person/in this case that body even harder.

We’re several unexpected months into quarantine now with no idea when the world with be “turned back on” but Im grateful for the time its given me to realize I owe someBODY a shame free apology.

Today when Mayka was laughing at how silly we are for being so insanely happy with such a tiny baby pool she went to take a picture to remember. And I didn’t panic. I thought omg yeah we gotta capture this moment of serious gratitude and contentment with something so small. “Our puddle” we call it- the 30$ baby pool.( But when it’s 100 degrees in the valley this puddle might as well be a resort in Hawaii with a breeze and a frozen drink!) the point of all of this is that I’ve spoken about eating disorders and freedom from body hate for years!!!! And I’ve felt like hypocrite as I rode the wave up and down through good thought days and totally suffocating days. unfortunately, sisters, I don’t have an answer that will unlock some supernatural LOVE for your body and all of its future changes. This isn’t a post about overcoming “once and for all” bc I don’t know if there’s a once and for all method here. I think it’s a free “once” that made me grateful. I’m grateful that as my friend is about to bring her daughter into the world I thought about this picture and how I want that little girl to see women living freely in peace and love with their bodies no matter what. I want this negative body-talk tradition to end with our generation. I’m grateful that I think about our future daughter and I hope that she’s raised by women this committed to tearing down the lies that have us thinking there is something wrong with us when our bodies grow, change, expand to hold the truth that we’re carrying a little more in this season than we expected. Bumps, stretch marks, cellulite, hair, etc. NORMAL. I’m no longer playing along. The world can stop telling me that I’m supposed to spend my life looking like a hairless, spotless, tanned, elastic enough for nostretch marks but tight enough for no jiggle, sexy, hairless newborn baby. Game over.