Home Sweet hollywood
A month before my 24th birthday I was sitting in my office as a foster care social worker at the end of my emotional rope and desperate for God to tell me what to do with myself. I was stuck in a rut and all I knew was that I didn’t feel like I was where I was supposed to be. I was chained to a whole lot of emotional baggage and my anxiety was top shelf. I called one of my sisters, Kristin, who moved to California after college to be a dancer. I told her I needed to “get the hell outta here” I could barely even vocalize what I meant by “here” but I knew I meant my own headspace. That day I booked a ticket to Los Angeles for a week vacation. Until that day I had never thought about traveling to LA. For all I knew it was just a vacation spot where The Kardashians lived. I sent my boss the email to approve my trip, fingers crossed because I had already bought the ticket (Kanye shrug).
I felt so proud of myself for simply making a decision. I loved the distance. I loved knowing that nobody knew me there and that there were no expectations for me to be who I’ve always been because at that point in my heart I didn’t really know who that was anymore.
There were several defining moments in LA that first time that felt like God was talking to me. When I stepped onto Venice Beach right after flying into LAX I wanted to lay down and hug the ground. It felt like freedom. It felt like a beginning. It felt like home. I was far away from everything I knew so I felt like I was ready to learn and to know all new things instead. I remember putting my feet in the ocean and spinning around kicking the waves. I remember a rush of wholeness and finally an overwhelming feeling that I was where I was supposed to be. On the way to South Pasadena one of the nights that week Roses by The Chainsmokers came on in the car. I remember thinking “I’m going to live here one day and hear this song and remember this moment.” I’m sure it sounds crazy but it felt like backwards deja vu. I had no idea how or when that was going to happen but I knew it would. Then Kristin took me to Hollywood. I was so in awe of the walk of fame. I felt like the spirits of all the pop culture legends were there. I understood their insane risk. They bet on themselves- They came there, where I was standing, because they felt like they should. I felt like I should be there too simply because I was feeling free and I was feeling sure that there were a million open doors in front of me.
I called my mom from LAX before I had to get on the plane. She asked me how I was. I remember saying I feel kinda scared but really grateful. She said "why do you feel scared?" and I said “because I have to live here and I know how hard that is going to be.” She laughed and said she knew I was going to say that. Mama always knows.
That was March 10th 2016. I came home and my co-worker who goes by “Mama Unicorn” said “so you movin?” I said “ugh I wish!” she said “so then do it. Don’t ask me about taking risks because I’m crazy, I believe in unicorns. If you wanna live there then do it. Why not?” she continued to say that to me and to come into my office and write motivational quotes about courage on my white board.(Thank you, Kenyan.)
I kept feeling like there was a church I had to go to in LA. I had a dream that I was in a church with people I loved worshiping in a leather jacket, ripped jeans, and big gold hoops. I remember being so happy in that dream.
I guess I had posted too many nostalgic instagram pictures about missing LA because the encouragement to move there started pouring in. (Remember, God talks to us and loves us through each other). Then I found out there would be an opportunity to move their and live with my friend Kristin for 600$/month. That was less than I was paying in Pennsylvania and I was familiar with her apartment.
By May I had put in my 2 weeks notice in foster care. I got a nanny job and moved into my parents house to save money. Everything fell into place almost effortlessly. There was somebody ready and willing to sublease the room in my apartment, the nanny job was given to me through a friend immediately, my parents supported a temporarily rent free stay-which was more encouraging to me than they know.
I saved up $3,000 dollars and began the move. I packed up my civic with whatever would fit while still leaving enough room for a liter box and my kitty, #WhitneyHoustonTheKitty. We took the southern route because we didn’t want to risk winter weather, leaving the morning after Christmas. It took us 4 days but we made it.
Side note: If you’re looking for logistics I will tell you that Holiday Inn Expresses are amazing, reasonably priced, and the beds are so comfortable its ridiculous. They are consistent across the country and have a pancake maker that is magical. How did we travel with #WhitneyHoustonTheKitty? Well I learned that emotional support animals are welcome everywhere and hotels are not permitted to ask you for any documentation or ask questions about the service animal. We didn’t lie because I do have pretty horrendous anxiety and she certainly has provided me immeasurable emotional support. The paperwork was completed as soon as I moved to LA. Trust me, register your animal, it makes things so simple in LA with housing and travel.
I’m telling you- that night with a Pizza Hut Dinner box on a furniture free apartment floor with Kristin and SB, my new roommates, was the beginning of everything.
I didn’t know anything other than that I was home, for the first time in a while.
That Sunday I got dressed and went to my church for the first time. A friend of a friend from Philly invited me to meet him there. As soon as I got there I remembered that dream. The church was exactly like the church in my dream. I was wearing the ripped jeans, leather jacket, gold hoops outfit and standing exactly where I was in my dream. Sounds nutty but its true and it was the craziest taste of serendipity I’ve ever felt.
As time went on I met people at church who carried the same feeling my family at home carries for me. The comfort is overwhelming. Since then God has been pouring His dreams for me into my heart. He’s called me to be a Pastor and shown me all of the ways in my life that I can do that.
Three weeks into living in Los Angeles I found a nanny position that allowed me to be nearly stress free while discovering more of my purpose in LA. The family I’m working for has 4 of the most precious children I’ve ever met. Their hearts are truly breathtaking (and crazy cute!). I get to pray with them before bedtime and sing to them all day. The oldest (who will definitely be canonized as a saint one day) has gotten so excited about Jesus and is so beyond kind and nurturing to his siblings. The other night he asked if he could pray for me. He went on to hold my hand and ask God to give me a good nights sleep and a special day tomorrow. He thanked God for the time he gets to spend with me and for all of his family and friends. This kid is 5.
I realized I wanted to connect with young adults via the Internet because social media is where we spend most of our time these days. I felt inspired to write a blog and talk about life, love, and Jesus. It has proven to be a place of prayer via email for us and a space for sharing while pouring love into each other.
As soon as I mentioned the blog idea to my roommate she said “Julian can take pictures for it!” I kid you not- the day after that conversation Julian was taking hundreds of photos for my blog. He did this in exchange for a hug and some sushi. The selflessness and the willingness to share his talent with me so encouraging. (Shout out to @juliancuri for being the most incredible photographer and overall creative genius - also thanks for loving my sister in a way that reflects God’s love for us!) Within 24 hours the blog was live. I had written my introduction and my beautiful friend Sophia helped me figure out the website! Basically God sent so many of his people to encourage me and make this new adventure seem so effortless yet again.
So extra details aside- you don’t have to have a “reason” for following your heart. Everyone asked why I would ever move across the country with my masters degree to nanny. They told me I was giving up and that I was “running”. They told me that I was never going to be able to survive “that” far away. They told me I was “leaving my little brother here alone” –(the enemy really knows your soft spots huh? *eye roll*). Regardless of what anyone says- if something feels right in your soul, it probably is. if there is a dream in your heart that you think is a “fantasy pipe dream” I dare you to remember that God gives us HUGE dreams because He’s trying to uncover our potential for us. It’s our human nature to doubt ourselves and think “that’s so cool but I could never do that.” YOU CAN DO THAT. I was/am the most ridiculous “home body” you’ve ever seen. I thought I was going to marry my college sweetheart, (Hey E! Thanks for editing my typos however unsolicited LOL and thanks for growing up with me.) stay living in Pennsylvania, work at the university I went to, and be happy as a clam. Those are the sort of dreams we set for ourselves because there’s nothing scary about them. But when you ask God what HIS dream is for your life, shit gets scary. There are risks involved, letting go of your "perfect plan", allowing 3,000 miles between you and your little bro, trusting your cat will be enough “family” for you across the country. BUT please know that it brings me to my knees in worship that I jumped and God showed me THIS. He showed me Hermosa Beach, He showed me connecting with people I love on a deeply spiritual level, He showed me sisters at my church who I feel like I’ve known forever, He showed me my future plans, He showed me the type of man I need to be ready for and the type of wife and mother I’m going to be…
Most importantly,
He introduced me to His Son in a way that I didn’t know was possible. In doing that- He introduced me to myself. It’s overwhelming to think about how I could’ve missed THIS.
Whatever it is, whatever is on your heart- DO IT. Trust yourself. Trust God. If you’re saying “I couldn’t do it.” You’re right! But God can do ALL things through you and for you. Our “impossible” is laughable to our King.
He’s already got it. It is FINISHED.
Here's to taking that jump. Here’s to letting go of your plans and meeting your God Dreams *This is a God dream. This is everything!* (that’s two Kanye references in one blog post, you’d think I’m a fan).
If you’d like more specific encouragement or to process through some things with somebody- Shoot me an email under the “contact” tab.I can't wait to talk to you!
