OUTSIDE & ANGRY
Sometimes the devil can be like that catty kid in middle school. He’s always ready to ask “can you believe they said that?” “Why are you even friends with them?” or my personal favorite of his, “How can you pretend to be an ally and be a part of a church whose values don’t reflect your heart?”
A few weeks ago Julian (My Pastor) asked us what our biggest asset to the Kingdom/Ministry/The Church is and what our biggest threat is. I instantly felt overwhelmed with the same feeling that I know is my biggest threat I just didn’t know what to call it. So I said “hmm.. ummm I think anger? Eventually we all decided it was “rage”. Cool. Massive word. Great. I’m doing well.
Later that night I was talking to my soulmate and he very carefully, because he’s wise, said.. “Umm… Em, I don’t think you’re biggest threat is rage…” After telling the “Philly” in me to sit down I said “oh yeah? What’s my biggest weakness?” (Internally LOVING this conversation)
He said, “I don’t think its rage because you never get that far. You get stuck way back at offense.”
My offense came from my position of defense.
I come from a family that started out going to church. When my little brother came out my family was devastated by the church’s response. My brother, who seemed to have been so aware of the Holy Spirit in Him and Jesus’s love for Him from the day He was born, started to feel like He was disqualified. Or as he said, “Didn’t make the heaven cut.”
Out of loyalty and protection of my brothers heart, we all stopped going- forgetting about the relationship, hurt by the religion.
I let my defense of my brother and my offense from the church keep me from the savior that could heal it all. The devil had me right where he wanted me, outside & angry- Outside of community and relationship with anyone who was going to help open the locked doors of my heart.
I had to push through that offense in order to see Jesus. Most days I would visit a church holding my breath for when they said something that would make steam come out of my ears.
I was belligerently standing up in churches and leaving when they spoke on marriage and sexual immorality. I stood up & left because I thought that’s what God wanted me to do. I stood up because I knew the God that lives in my heart wanted me to protect his kids and his kids were sitting there feeling like they’re disqualified from Gods love- I stood up because I wanted them to know that not everybody thought so.
As I begged God to let me stop going to church he said this:
“That anger is misguided compassion. I need that compassion in my church. I put you there to bring comfort to the hearts of my hurting children but you’re so angry. if you leave, that’s where the devil wants you- outside and angry. So SHOW UP, Em. SIT DOWN. Hold hands with my children. Be INSIDE my church. Promise my children that NOTHING disqualifies them from me.”
John Bevere said “an offended heart is the breeding ground of deception.”
What could you be doing for Jesus that your offenses are keeping you from ?
Whether that be a morality offense, a position in the church offense, friendships, criticism, politics etc.
Proverbs 18:19 says an offended brother/ or sister is more unyielding than a fortified city.
Luke 17:1 says offenses will come but woe to the one through whom they come. It would be better for him if a millstone was hung around his neck and he was thrown into the sea.
Guys, this isn’t a dramatic interpretation. It really feels like that, a weight on your chest, hopelessness. I know we have things in our lives that feel like millstones. Some of us are trying to do what we think is right while we’re weighed down in the sea. He wants to take it from you, carry it for you.
Some of our offenses stem from love in our hearts but our offenses allow the devil to translate how our brain hears what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell us.
The Holy Spirit said, “You will be a pastor. You will bring healing to this community.” And I said “But god, THIS is so screwed up. I’m so angry. I can’t stay here.” I was looking at the pain not the promise.
Jesus knows hard- He’s not afraid of our pain He comes closer to it. The further we run from Him, the harder He runs after us. If you turn around that wave of love will crash into you, cleanse you, heal you, and you’ll see the promise. The pain might be there but the promise is worth it.
I’ll never stand outside and be angry when God calls us to be INSIDE and filled with His Spirit. My anger was misguided compassion. I needed to forgive, I needed to heal, and I needed to listen to the Holy Spirit so He could give me my assignment so other people could heal, too. What is your millstone? Take it off, it wasn’t meant for you, your assignment was meant for you & for so many other people, too.
This was a 5 minute sermon I taught during my internship program for church. I'm posting it here to share with all of you in hopes that it touches your heart and encourages you to lay down the weight you're carrying. Give it to Jesus and watch Him move every mountain as you surrender. He cares more about the things that you care about that you ever could. He's got it. He hasn't forgotten anyone. He's a good dad like that.
